I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
