I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
