i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
