He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
