As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
