i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
