I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
