You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
