im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
