The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
