btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
