Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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