i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
