We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
