shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
