Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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