hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
