the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
