So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
