i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
