your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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