My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
