so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
