1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
