Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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