Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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