: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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