If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
