I wish I could teleport
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
