Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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