some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
