Only a mothe r could love this liver
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
