We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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