well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
