if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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