I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
