i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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