I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
