Jerry, you need to find god
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
