shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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