found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
