I'm sorry my penis didn't work
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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