Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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