u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
