He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
