Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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