nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
