oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
