You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
