Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
