The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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